7th March 2022 | Beverly Landais
Every day, we make dozens of snap judgments of others based on how they talk, look and behave. The conclusions made can be positive or negative. For example, we may believe that someone is hard-working or lazy, trustworthy or unreliable, likeable or unpleasant. These opinions are formed within moments of each encounter and linger even when there is no factual evidence to back up our views. Such instant assessments of others can lead to erroneous conclusions because we assume knowing the whole situation and the reasons behind someone's behaviour.
This phenomenon is the subject of research by Princeton psychologists Janine Willis and Alexander Todorov, which demonstrates that judgments occur within a tenth of a second of meeting someone for the first time. A key finding is that our initial impressions rarely alter with further exposure unless we consciously change them. If we want to become less judgmental and more open-minded, we need to understand what is going on.
Our brain has evolved with a mechanism to keep us safe and avoid harm. It plays a significant part in the way we jump to conclusions. In the book 'How to have a good day', economist and former McKinsey partner Caroline Webb describes the human brain's dual operating system: the rational mind and the emotional mind. The rational mind governs our long-term strategic planning, learning, and cognitive processes. The emotional mind is the primitive part of the brain that controls our survival response to any perceived threat.
Our emotional mind operates on autopilot. Usually, this is helpful as it saves us from thinking about ordinary things in minute detail. The problems start when we accept the snap judgments made in this mode as truth without further challenge. Then we can fall into the trap of drawing unfair and potentially hurtful conclusions.
If we act on these beliefs without questioning them or asking for clarification, it can lead to miscommunication and disagreement. Our relationships can be damaged through disapproving behaviour, undermining trust and destroying collaboration. At the same time, self-esteem suffers because an overly critical attitude makes it hard to appreciate what is good in life. The negativity resulting from harsh judgment can significantly impact our happiness and emotional wellbeing. Fortunately, we can learn to manage our thoughts to avoid jumping to conclusions that might be incorrect.
"A non-judging orientation doesn't mean you cease knowing how to act or behave responsibly in society or that anything anybody does is okay. It simple means that we can act with much greater clarity in our lives, be more balanced, more effective and more ethical in our activities." Jon Kabat-Zinn PhD, Founder and Director of the Stress Reduction Clinic, University of Massachusetts.
You can improve your relationships by adopting the following five habits that enable an open mind and appreciative attitude rather than succumbing to excessive criticism and judgmental behaviour.
1. Be Self-Aware
Notice your thoughts as you form judgments about others. Being self-aware will prevent you from getting trapped into thinking you know what is going on before checking the facts. Seeing yourself enables rational thinking about what might be causing your reaction and the opportunity to gain perspective. Are there any insecurities surfaced by the situation's circumstances and particular environment? Are you carrying old hurts from previous encounters into the present day? Are you tired, hungry or feeling low?
All of these factors can stimulate negative views and unhappy thoughts. Having identified the thoughts and feelings that arise, pause to reset your mind and body. Go for a walk, take some deep breathes with long exhalations and relax, then ask yourself:
How did I come to form this opinion?
What are the facts?
Do I have the whole story?
What assumptions am I making?
What might be a plausible alternative view?
"Be curious, not judgmental." Walt Whitman, Poet and Journalist
2. Maintain Curiosity
Ask questions to understand rather than be catapulted into making a snap judgment about someone. Actively listen to what others are saying and concentrate on their needs at that moment. You don't have to agree with everything. Just maintain an attitude of open curiosity so that you can gain valuable insight before drawing any conclusions.
Seek opportunities to meet people who are different from you. Be receptive to new ways of working and gain fresh perspectives on issues. You might try a new hobby, join a book club, go to a different fitness class, begin an online or in-person course, participate in a community venture or go for a walk and just people watch. Maintain an open mind and enjoy expanding your circle of contacts and interests beyond your usual confines. Over time, the resulting shared experiences with others will help build understanding, create new friendships and make life more enjoyable.
3. Be Compassionate
We may hazard a guess but will never honestly know what another person is going through. Before judging their actions, remember that most people are just doing the best they can. Express interest in them and put yourself in their shoes. Treat others as you want to be treated in a similar situation.
Showing compassion also extends to yourself. Judgmental self-talk might sound like you are making excuses, blaming others, or believing those 3 am wakeful thoughts that say, "you are not good enough – you don't have the talent for this". Learn to spot when this happens. Is it helpful? What purpose does it serve? Notice the effect it has on you. Talk it back with a kind voice, reminding yourself of your strengths, resources, capabilities and support network.
4. Practice Acceptance
Adopt an attitude of tolerance by focusing on what is right with those around you. Think about the last few interactions you had with someone you find difficult. Where was your focus? Did your attention settle on past problems and old hurts? What if you switched your focus to think about their best qualities and strengths? How might this change your attitude towards them?
The chances are you will have a better conversation and experience an improvement in the quality of a shared connection. Decide to accept others as they are by respecting your differences and acknowledging that their personal experiences, values, and beliefs are valid. You are likely to feel happier and better equipped to develop and maintain good relationships.
"You never know what people are going through because each person you meet has a story to tell. So instead of being judgmental, just listen well." Charmaine J. Forde, Writer and Poet
5. Demonstrate Empathy
When confronted by judgmental thoughts, it helps to remember our shared characteristics as human beings. You might like to try the 'Just Like Me' technique which invites you to look at how people are similar in significant ways. Try it now by bringing a friend, a family member or colleague to mind. Adopt a few phrases to use when meeting someone new as appropriate to you.
This person has a body and a mind, just like me.
This person has feelings, emotions and thoughts, just like me.
This person has known pain and suffering, just like me.
This person has been sad, worried, angry, or hurt, just like me.
This person has longed for friendship, just like me.
This person wants to be caring and kind to others, just like me.
This person wishes to be free from pain and suffering, just like me.
This person wishes to be safe and healthy, just like me.
This person wishes to be happy, just like me.
This person wishes to be loved, just like me.
Now, turn your mind to some good wishes for wellbeing:
I wish that this person will have the strength, resources, and social support to navigate the difficulties in life with ease.
I wish that this person be free from pain and suffering.
I wish that this person be peaceful and happy.
I wish that this person be loved.
Because this person is a fellow human being, just like me.
Start today by practising some of the tips and techniques set out above. Notice the improvement in your sense of wellbeing and the quality of your relationships with others.
Sources
Willis, J. and Todorov, A., 2006. First Impressions. Psychological Science, 17(7), pp.592-598.
Webb, C., 2017. How to have a good day. 2nd ed. London: Pan Books, pp.13-25.
Kabat-Zinn, J., 2004. Wherever You Go, There You Are. 6th ed. London: Piatkus, pp.55-57.
Hanson, R., 2011. Just one thing. 1st ed. Oakland, CA 94609: New Harbringer Publications, Inc., pp.134-137 & 202-205.
King, V., 2016. 10 keys to happier living. 1st ed. London: Headline, pp.57, 67, 74.
Just Like Me - Mindfulness Compassion Practice. https://www.mindful.org/just-like-me-compassion-practice/
7th March 2022 | Beverly Landais
